Monday, March 29, 2010

Kaiju Reviews #3 - King Kong vs. Godzilla

Alrighty, pardners, it's finally time that I stopped foolin' around and expose you to the mightest monster mash of all mighty monster mashes:
"Now, how's a Gorilla supposed to defeat a mutated dinosaur that can breathe fire," you ask? ... Well you better shut the hell up, so I can tell you.
First of all, there's some weird guy with iron string, or something... as much as I don't really care about him, he's important. But after several minutes of human exposition, we finally get down to the good stuff, aka: People in an American submarine accidentally frees Godzilla from his icy prison. Whoops. We f**ked up. Meanwhile, as the Big G is wreaking his usual havoc, our two protagonists (only one of whom I mentioned) go to Faro Island, which is apparently populated by Asians that like to paint their skin Brown. As such, they brought another painted Asian guy as an interpereter. After much stereotyping, A GIANT OCOTOPUS ATTACKS! SWEET JESUS! Thankfully, King Kong (who is actually referred to as "King Kong" in this movie) conviniently arrives to save the day! After a brief battle involving much rock throwing, the Octopus retreats... Meanwhile, everyone suddenly realizes that there's a giant f**king ape in the village. As such, they drug Kong up with some Berry Juice and load him up on a boat enroute to Japan. Eventually, he goes apeshit (no pun intended) and they blow him the f**k up with some dynamite... apparently, King Kong doesn't take shit from anyone now, seeing as he swims away completely unscathed. Damn. Not long after, Kong has his first encounter with Godzilla... although all that really happens is that Godzilla uses his nuclear breath on King Kong several times, making him run away like a little pussy. Meanwhile, both fun and boring things ensue, as Godzilla destroys a train and Kong runs throughout the city, causing all sorts of crazyass crap to happen. Afterwards, he does his usual shtick (grabbing a random woman and climbing up a building) as the army once again gets him drugged with berry juice. They then airlift Kong to Mt. Fuji (using the steel rope from earlier) and drop him off, making Kong have his final epic battle of epicness with Godzilla... and Godzilla kicks his ass. After getting killed by rocks bashing his head, Kong is revived by lightning, which suddenly gives him electrical powers! Um... yay? During their climactic battle (and unlike the savage, animalistic fighting from the last film, this one is more like wrestling; Godzilla has apparently been studying Judo), an earthquake occurs, causing them both to plunge into the water. Godzilla never emerges and King Kong swims away, living to fight another day... particularly against a familiar-looking robot...
I still think Godzilla should've won, though. Why not drag Kong underwater and drown him? Godzilla can stay underwater as long as he wants! Oh well, I digress...

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