The Hall of Geekdom

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Spoose Gorsht Epishudes

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Kaiju Reviews #26 - Godzilla 2000

After the disaster that was the 1998 remake, Toho decided to wipe that movie clean from everyone's minds by starting off fresh with a new series just a year later (nicknamed the "Millennium Series" by fans). For the most part, this series was an anthology, with most movies only following the continuity of the original film... however, this is one of the exceptions, being completely standalone, as the origin for this Godzilla is never explained. Interestingly enough, both this movie and the next one are the only movies to depict Godzilla as being green; despite being advertised as such, he was never green in any of the previous movies; he was more of a black-ish color... ironically, he happens to be black on this poster. Oh well, can't win 'em all.

Anyhow, let's get on with the plot. We follow a group of people associated with the "Godzilla Prediction Network", which basically consists of predicting when and where Godzilla will come out of the ocean, so people can evacuate seriously. Right away, we get some Godzilla action as the Big-G wanders through a small city in order to absorb energy from a small power plant. Meanwhile, in the middle of the ocean, a strange asteroid is discovered... and Godzilla just so happens to be in the middle of the area. The meteorite ends up being a flying saucer, which defeats Godzilla quite easily and quickly makes its way to the top of one of Tokyo's many buildings, deciding that it should rest for a spell. Eventually, the alien inside the saucer reveals that it intends to take over the world and plans to use Godzilla's regenerative cells in order to grow more powerful and survive in Earth's atmosphere. Eventually, Godzilla makes his bad self over to Tokyo, with full intentions on taking down the UFO. Unfortunately, it manages to absorb some of his DNA and the alien emerges as a giant squid-like creature... however Godzilla's DNA appears to be unstable, as this quickly goes wrong, turning him into the grotesque creature Orga (whose name is never uttered on-film). As always, Godzilla and Orga have a climactic fight, Godzilla prevails in the end, and the world is saved... only for the Big-G to blow up the city in the credits. Because nobody fucks with Godzilla.

Score:
3.5/5.0

It may not be the BEST Godzilla movie, but it's still a pretty good watch, especially if you've watched G'98 beforehand. And even though Godzilla disappears for about 40 minutes straight, the last half-hour is pretty much all Godzilla, which more than makes up for it.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Kaiju Reviews #25 - Gamera vs. Zigra

I'm back, baby! Now, after looking at some of my older reviews and [as-of-this-post] being in the process of watching all of the Godzilla movies in order, I decided that I'd tackle these Kaiju flicks after fresh viewings from now on, rather than basing them off of memory. As such, I won't be covering Godzilla 2000 quite yet, but I got one of Shout Factory's Gamera DVDs recently and decided that I'd go ahead and review the last true Showa film in the Gamera series: Gamera vs. Zigra. Now, let's get on to the plot synopsis, shall we...?

We start off with an alien spaceship attacking a Japanese moon base, quickly heading towards Earth... But then we focus a little bit on animal shows in a Japanese Sea World (I have a bad feeling about this already). After that, we focus on two kids who live near the Sea World, named Helen and... Kenny... couldn't they have named him something else? Anyhow, instead of going to school, the kids sneak onto their fathers' boat. They're soon found out by the dads after Helen whines about wanting a Coke (oh yeah, I forgot to mention she's an American... an American who whines about Coke every five minutes). While the kids are being scolded by their dads, they point out a spaceship that crashes into the ocean nearby. Everyone goes over to the ship to investigate, only to be teleported inside; boat and all. Inside the ship is a woman claiming to be from Planet Zigra. The Zigrans [assuming that's what you call them] live deep in the ocean and have contaminated their world with vast amounts of pollution. Given that over 70% of the Earth is covered with oceans, this was the most natural place to go. However, on their planet, they eat any creature that lives on land... which is strange given that they live deep in the ocean, but whatever. The Zigran woman threatens to level Tokyo with a Magnitude 18 earthquake unless the humans give in to their demands, essentially becoming their cattle. Fortunately our plucky heroes manage to escape and inform the military of the Zigrans' plan. Meanwhile, it turns out that this woman is being hypnotized by our titular monster, Zigra; which, if you can gather from the poster, is a giant shark-looking thing (interestingly, he resembles the real-life Goblin Shark, which is very common around the waters of Japan). He orders her to kill the children, or else his plans will be ruined. As such, she ends up pursuing the children at Sea World. Meanwhile AGAIN, the military tries to take down Zigra with some fighter jets, but his spaceship manages to shoot them all down with barely any effort. Fortunately, Gamera arrives to save the day (who before this, only made brief appearances earlier in the movie; which mostly consisted of him flying around and looking down at the kids with those weirdass eyes of his). He then attacks the spaceship underwater and causes it to explode by breathing fire on it... even though he's underwater... yeah... Anyway, this releases Zigra, who ends up growing larger to the differences in Earth's water pressure... alright... However, after a somewhat brief battle, Zigra manages to defeat Gamera, giving him total paralysis. Thankfully, as far as the human side is concerned, the Zigran woman ends up being caught and her hypnosis disabled; however she still has all memory of her experience with Zigra. The fathers (with the kids stowing away, of course) then go into the ocean inside of a bathyscaphe [strangely pronounced as "bathyscope" in the dub] , in an attempt to wake up Gamera. However, they come across Zigra, who immediately attacks them and commands the government to attack them, or else he'll destroy the bathyscaphe. The UN reluctantly agrees, but a bolt of lightning ends up reviving Gamera, who manages to retrieve the bathyscaphe from Zigra and return it to the surface. He then goes back to take down Zigra, who has superior mobility underwater; as such, Gamera ends up taking the fight to the surface, where he quickly has an advantage over his opponent, jamming a rock into his beak, which pins him to the ground. After showing off his awesome musical talents, he roasts Zigra with fire breath (which honestly would've been the first thing I tried; but I guess I shouldn't question the almighty Gamera). Now that he flame-broiled that felonious fish, he flies off after a job well done.

Score:
3.3/5.0

Even though it had a lot of lapses in logic, I ended up enjoying it more than I thought I would. Thankfully, the kids aren't TOO annoying and Zigra [being one of the only kaiju who's able to talk] is fairly intimidating (both in demeanor and design), being given a lot of screen time. However, similar to the Godzilla movies at the time, there are bits of humor in the monster scenes in order to lighten the mood, such as the xylophone moment above. Overall, it's a fun movie and I recommend for those Kaiju fans out there who can enjoy more lighthearted fare.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Kaiju Reviews #24 - Godzilla vs. Biollante [Written by skull902]

Hey there, that one person who reads this blog! This is skull902 again (What? I couldn't get a fucking break before reviewing another movie for this site? Just joking) for the next Heisei review, "Godzilla VS Biollante". This movie was released to Japanese audiences in 1989 and to the United States direct-to-video/television in 1992.

So before I get to the actual movie itself I must go over the recent DVD of this really quick. The language options might be a little confusing at first. You've got Japanese in surround sound, Japanese in stereo, and English in mono. Selecting a spoken language isn't confusing, but the subtitles are a bit. First, you've got an option for English subtitles whenever Japanese text appears during the movie. I recommend this option. Secondly, you've got an English subtitled translation of the Japanese-spoken script for those snobs that just can't accept the icky, yucky English dub or the script of it *cough*Toho Kingdom reviewers*cough*. Then you've got subtitles for the English-scripted version, and lastly, no subtitles at all. Speaking of subtitles, I guess in the original movie they had Japanese subtitles for when something was being spoken or presented in English or another language, and for the first few good minutes of the movie that becomes kind of distracting. I wish that the "English on Japanese text" subtitles got rid of the Japanese ones but they become less apparent as the movie goes on. Also, the English dub of the movie is pretty low quality with the audio as far as the voice-overs are concerned. It sounds like they recorded the dub with cheap computer microphones sometimes and makes a few lines nearly inaudible. Lastly, there are a couple special features on the DVD about the making of the movie, but they're spoken in Japanese with English subtitles. If you can read through the features it's fine, but that's not really my cup of tea. However, this isn't a product review, so let's get on to the actual movie.

We begin in the distant future of 1990 (I've always wondered why the Heisei films are set a year after they're released) when Godzilla decides to take a peaceful stroll through Japan. A peaceful stroll that involves killing people and wrecking buildings, like usual. After the rampage, scientists find Godzilla cells who are working with an American company. They evade the Japanese military but are taken out by someone who I'm calling Shooty Guy. Shooty Guy takes the Godzilla cells and we cut to Dr. Genshiro Shiragami (who I swear in some shots looks very slightly like professional wrestler Bret Hart) and his daughter Erika, looking forward to returning to Japan after a project in the Middle East is done. While at their laboratory, a terrorist bombing happens and Erika is killed.

Five years later, Dr. Shiragami is now doing psychic research on plants, specifically roses. And it is here where we see the debut of the longest-running character in kaiju film history, Miki Saegusa. Give her a round of applause everybody! Anyway, Miki is helping Dr. Shiragami with his project when Other Woman enters the scene and...evaluates it I guess. The American group and Shooty Guy are keeping a watchful eye on Shiragami, believing him to be involved with the research of Godzilla DNA. Shiragami's employers eventually convince him to work on Godzilla cells for a project to create a bacteria which eats nuclear particles, which they plan to use on the monster. Shiragami at the same time is using the Godzilla cells to create his own project. One night, the American group and Shooty Guy find each other in Shiragami's lab and have a nice little battle...until plant-like tentacles interfere (no, I'm not making that joke). The tentacles kill two men (both of which are from the American team) and one, along with Shooty Guy escapes. It's revealed the next day to be a giant flower in the lake which is named Biollante. Turns out Shiragami somehow mixed together cells of his daughter, Godzilla, and roses to create this thingamabobble. Sounds weird, but that's only because it is (sorry James).

The Diet of Japan gets a letter from the American group saying they'll blow a volcano where which Godzilla is residing to wake him up if the bacteria isn't given to them. The Diet decides to comply with the threat, for the safety of the people. The trade starts off well but Shooty Guy interferes (stealing the bacteria in the process) and due to a roll-over accident with the American's truck, the bomb detonates, waking Godzilla up. Biollante starts to open up and calls Godzilla out, so Godzilla takes time out of his busy schedule to pay Biollante a visit. Meanwhile, since the Japanese military knows where he's going, decide to use the Super X II on him with minimal results. Godzilla makes it to Biollante and the fight is short. Biollante is presumed killed and Godzilla carries on. The military assumes that since he's low on nuclear energy (I didn't know Godzilla was a machine that needed re-fueling) that he'll go to a nuclear reactor which is in Tsuruga on the other side of the country. They decide to meet him mid-way but they're mistaken. Godzilla goes to Osaka instead and Miki tries to distract him while he's there. After a staredown, Godzilla's will power is too much for Miki, causing her to faint and be hospitalized.

The military decides to go and use the bacteria to infect Godzilla and send the Super X II to battle. Unfortunately, the SX2 is destroyed in the fight and Godzilla goes to Osaka's business district after the city is evacuated. There, he is infected with the bacteria with three doses of it, one going directly in his mouth. Ouch. It doesn't seem to be working after a few hours, and Shiragami suggests that it's possibly because Godzilla's body temperature is too low. The military and scientists agree to try and raise his temperature so the bacteria can work better. Godzilla screws up the plan after it's used on him, so they theorize that maybe Godzilla is immune to the bacteria. Biollante then reappears from the sky and does battle with Godzilla. After grabbing him with her tentacles and trying to swallow him whole (STILL not doing the joke you fucking perverts), she gets a face-full of atomic breath, but the bacteria starts to work on Godzilla, sending him in to the ocean. Biollante has had too much damage done to her though and can't survive, breaking up and going back into the sky. The military and scientist group is of course watching this, and Dr. Shiragami is killed by Shooty Guy for some reason. One of his associates takes the fight to Shooty Guy and wins after the assassin is...deleted from existence I guess by a military guy seen in the group. Meeting back up with Other Woman, the two see that Godzilla re-emerges from the sea, figuring that the freezing water helped against the bacteria. Godzilla goes back home and we zoom out to a shot of Biollante in the form of a rose, now orbiting Earth.

This movie is...okay. It takes a while for any monster action to happen, and when it does it's kind of brief. Military confrontations with Godzilla tend to go on longer than his actual battles and that's not a good thing. I can see Toho tried with the story but at times it gets to be a little bit of a bore. It's not a bad story either, but it definitely could've used more. I think the conflicting organizations plot could've been amped up a bit more and as I said before, the monster battles were definitely too short. You can tell that they did put effort in to this and I like the movie for that, but it could've been better than what it was.

Score: 3.2/5.0

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Kaiju Reviews #23 - Godzilla (1998) [Written by skull902]

Alright...let's start this...

Aww, sick! Gross!

Aww, nasty! Yuck!

Ah, sick!

Gross!

Yeck!

...You get a pass.

Welp, that's my review. Seeya.

...Okay, that's not really all it. This, my friends, is "Godzilla". Released to American theatres on May 20, 1998. It was released in Japan sometime in July 1998 if I'm not mistaken.

The movie starts with nuclear test footage on the Pacific, as well as footage of at least four different types of lizard (confusing us as to which one turned out to be Zilla), one of which that isn't native to the Pacific. Great job movie, we've only entered the credits sequence and you've already done something wrong.

Anyway, there's some people on this ship or whatever in or around Japan. One of them is eating noodles and watching everyone's favorite, poor-reception sumo wrestling. The ship gets attacked, but by who? DUN DUN DUUUUUN...well, if it isn't obvious, Zilla attacked it. Blah.

Next thing we see is Dr. Niko Tortillapoulos, played by Matthew Broderick. Niko here is collecting some 17% bigger than usual worms for his little experiment. Then he gets pulled away by the US Army (who apparently have taken up a Soviet motif) or something where he is to get started researching the "Big Bad Dinosaur" that has showed up recently. The scene in the Pacific by the way, where Niko gets his orders is one of the VERY FEW scenes without rain in it. If you thought you couldn't get sick of a weather condition by only watching a movie alone, you'd be in for a surprise.

Now we see Audrey. Audrey is trying to be a reporter, but her boss is a dick and her co-worker friends are stupid. So yeah. Audrey's role on the TV news crew is I think a secretary. I don't think it's ever made clear. Anyway, she has lunch with her ol' buddies and they tell her to get mean. Oh and she does later on, lemme tell ya.

So some old guy dies I guess trying to fish out Zilla. Zilla then raids New York City, interrupting a speech by Mayor Caricature. One of Audrey's retard friends (the guy one) grabs a camera and films Zilla, nearly getting crushed doing do. The footage makes it to the news and most now know of Zilla and his wrath and crap. Nobody can find him somehow and it's explained that he's hiding. Y'know, in New York City. Because nobody would notice a giant monster like that. And if it seems like I'm rushing through this shit, I am.

So Turtletapoulos and his buddies lure Zilla in with a lot of fish so they can attack and kill it. The most incompetent military in the world though can't get the plan to work and he just destroys all their vehicles, with casulaties going out to Military Guys #1-6, three helicopters, and the Chrysler Building. Audrey and Niko (who were together in college) meet up again and talk about how their lives have been. Niko finds through Zilla blood, using a HUMAN pregnancy test, that the moster is pregnant and Audrey steals a top-secret tape of how the Zilla attacks got started and gives it to her news station, hoping it'll be her big break. But all is for not, her boss takes credit for the story and Lippy-Tappy-Too-Taatapoulos gets discharged for the incident. Niko is naturally mad at Bitchface- I mean Audrey and is then kidnapped by French Guy (who has been lurking around throughout the film) and hired by the French Secret Service to do a mission, looking for Zilla's eggs. Somewhere in between all that, Zilla gets killed in the Hudson River by torpedos. Like I said, rushing through.

The mission begins while Audrey and Male Retard go on a different route, leading to Madison Square Garden which is in ruins. They find Zilla eggs there, but instead of the expected twelve, they get about...two hundered. Quite a difference. Since these creatures are apparently born pregnant, letting them loose is out of the question. Four of the Franco Secret Service guys who went along get killed because they don't know how to use their guns, and Audrey and Guy Man Thing meet up with French Guy and Tkdn39h9uhthfb8vb8bt76ggv6r3h7b79rn80bnatapoulos. They find a way to broadcast a message to the news station and the military hears it, planning to blow Madison Square Garden up in about six minutes. Less than six minutes later, our heroes barely escape the Garden as it's blown to smitherines, killing all the babies.

But Zilla comes back to life I guess, and fueled by anger, goes on a rampage against our heroes in a taxi. They get nearly eaten during it, but make it out, only for Zilla to finally get killed on the Brooklyn Bridge. Everyone celebrates, Mayor Caricature gets told to fuck off after being a candy eating douche throughout the film, and all is well. Except it's not! One more egg hatches in the Garden so that there can be a non-existant sequel.

What can I say that already hasn't been said? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. But I'll say something anyway. The characters, the story, the presentation, the monster, the disrespect to Siskel and Ebert, EVERYTHING sucks about this movie. Like Kenpachiro Satsuma (the man who WAS Godzilla in the Heisei films) said, "It's not Godzilla, it does not have the spirit." I couldn't have said it better myself. Though I will give this piece of absolute garbage one thing, AT LEAST it got Toho working their asses off to make a new Godzilla film, which was MUCH better than this, and it came out in 1999. Yep. It only took Toho a year, much unlike the five it took for Sony to shove this mess of a movie out. But it is not my place to review that movie. After this I shall be giving my position of Godzilla movie reviewer on this site back to the owner, besides my reviews for the two Heisei films I missed, whenever I can get to them. Until then, I'm skull902, saying goodbye.

Score: 0.2/5.0

Oh, and PS:

Rabid, you're welcome.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Kaiju Reviews #22 - Godzilla vs. Destoroyah [Written by skull902]

Back-back-back again, it is I, skull902.

Today's review is "Godzilla VS Destoroyah", the last Godzilla Heisei movie. Released originally to Japanese theatres in 1995, and to DVD in 2000 in the US.

So we start off with the knowledge that Infant Island has been destroyed. Then it cuts to Toky- Okinaw- Hiroshim- Nagoy- Hong Kong? Really? I bet the Chinese people's minds are blown. But yeah, Godzilla destroys Hong Kong but something is different. He's glowing red in some places and his atomic breath is orange. Some college kid did a thesis on Godzilla nobody believes in...besides the scientific community and the Japanese military (y'know, the people you'd least like to trust in a situation like this) and is hired to the G-Force (no, not the stupid guinea pig organization from that crappy film, but rather the branch of the military that's been fighting Godzilla throughout the second series) to do research. He meets up with our ol' psychic pal Miki (who is, unfortunately, losing her powers) who has been looking for Godzilla Jr. but can't find him. College Kid suggests he's dead, leading to awkwardness. Anyway, he does his research and finds that Godzilla is a nuclear (which he pronounces as "nucular" like a fucking retard) reactor and is close to blowing up. If he does (by reaching 1200 degrees Celcius), the Earth is destroyed. Holy shit.

Instead of firing at him, which would make his and the Earth's demise all that much quicker, they decide to freeze him to get the minimum result of his nuclear reaction. How, you ask? The SUPER. X. III!!! ...Yeah, I don't think I covered the Super X line of ships in this series. Basically, the Super X planes are pretty much the only thing the military has made (excluding Mechagodzilla from the 1993 and 2002 films, of course) that could stand a chance against Godzilla. They've all failed up to this point but have come pretty damn close to defeating him. Anyway, the SX3 fires freezey lasers at Godzilla and fire some "stay cold" pills in his mouth for good measure. You'd think this would be enough, right?

...Not even fucking close. Godzilla's temperature was put down but it's still rising, at an alarming rate. Meanwhile another attempt to stop all of this is being made by the scientists, who are re-creating the oxygen destroyer. The military doesn't like it, noting that there's a huge risk to Japan by activating such a device. Late at night, an aquarium worker sees his fish being reduced to bones as a result of an organism that was mutated by this new oxygen destroyer. They soon evolve and eventually are fighting against the police and the military (sporting vehicles which have really cool sounding sirens). Their weapons aren't enough though as the Destoroyah (as they're called) get stronger.

Godzilla Jr. (who is now almost fully grown, looking very similar to a healthy version of his father) then causes a bit of panic at a beach and makes his way to the destroyed island. Godzilla, who is looking for him (presumably to recommend him to go to a community college instead of a university as it's more affordable), follows along but there's a problem. Due to his freezing, Godzilla instead will melt down when he dies, causing his remains to melt through the Earth's layers, all the way to the core, once again putting the planet at risk. As a last-attempt measurement, Miki and another psychic girl are hired to direct Godzilla Jr. to Tokyo so that Godzilla and Destoroyah (who is currently in the area) can have a battle. Destoroyah, being made from the oxygen destroyer, would defeat and then destroy Godzilla, preventing a meltdown. Miki doesn't like the idea, but knows it's for the good of the planet and does so.

The plan is a success and Godzilla Jr. does a pretty good job fighting Destoroyah, knocking him into an electrical plant. The father and son reunite to discuss college plans, but Destoroyah (who has now evolved into it's final form) attacks. He grabs Junior and drops him from a high distance, seemingly killing him. Godzilla is pissed and does battle with the creature. The two cause each other extreme physical injuries and Godzilla causes Destoroyah to retreat. Godzilla gives his son some energy but all seems lost. Destoroyah then attacks again but Godzilla doesn't give up, blowing chunks off of him as he flies away. The SX3 is sent in to freeze Godzilla exactly when he reaches 1200 degrees, but destroys Destoroyah with a thermal shock from using the same weapons on him. Wow...the military actually won...in a Godzilla movie. Or hell, a kaiju movie in general. ...Surely this is the greatest day in Japanese history. They freeze Godzilla, preventing the end of the world. However, the radiation caused by Godzilla's meltdown renders Tokyo uninhabitable. The radiation and the energy given to him earlier makes Junior a fully-grown Godzilla, who roars as the movie closes to continue the legacy of his father.

Next time, ...shit gets real. Bad, that is.

This was a good film. No, not just good, great. This movie seems to have the biggest risk of any Godzilla film I've seen and it was a wonderful send-off to the King of the Monsters. However, some shots of the Super X III are re-used, forcing me to give the film a score of 0.5/5.0 ...Just kidding. Good storytelling, wonderful action, if you're a fan of Godzilla, this is a must-see.

Score: 4.5/5.0

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Comic Book Goblettygook #2 - The Amazing Spider-Man Review

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Comic Book Goblettygook #1 - Justice League Doom Review

Friday, March 16, 2012

Kaiju Reviews #21 - Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II [Written by skull902]

Hello one and all, skull902 again for another Godzilla review.

Today we've got "Godzilla VS Mechagodzilla II", released in Japan in 1993 and in America in 1998. This one surprisingly was not released in a double-pack like the other Heisei films that TriStar and Sony tried desparately to distract us from- err, I mean tie-in with the 1998 American movie. Oh don't worry Matthew Broderick, I'm coming soon.

So we start off with Japan's Self-Defense Force recovering Mecha King Ghidorah's body and using the metal parts to create a new anti-Godzilla vehicle, no doubt screwing with the timeline. Think about it, if MKG isn't still in the ocean, it can't be hailed as a hero. Nobody will know what the hell happened in the past and Godzilla will just keep roaming around without any clue how to stop hi- ...eh, it's a Japanese science fiction film. There's bound to be some plot holes. They use the parts and futuristic technology to create Mechagodzilla in hopes that Godzilla will finally be stopped. During some other footage, this one guy is moved from the research lab to the pilots or something and reports to training. His commanding officer doesn't like that one of his hobbies is dinosaurs (pteranodons in particular) and scolds him for it. Que "hilarious" montage.

When some researcher people go to this deserted nuclear wasteland island, they find an egg. They conclude that it's a pteranodon egg and decide to take it back for research. As soon as they do that, Roda- err, Radon appears. He fucks their tents up and then Godzilla just decides to be in the scene. As he and Roda- err, Radon start fighting, the humans get the hell out of there.

With the egg on the mainland the research begins. The humans find that the egg's color changes with it's mood. It mostly turns red, which means the little baby is usually afraid. What a scaredy cat. Actually I don't know why red means afraid, it usually means angry. Anyway soon enough the egg hatches and HOLY SHIT it's Godzilla's kid. Everyone is shocked. But the species thankfully isn't as aggresive and the little tyke is a plant-eater as opposed to a meat-eater. Oh and the scientist girl who was the focus of these scenes gets closer with the pteranodon guy or something.

Godzilla comes along looking for his son but Mechagodzilla is flown to his location. They have a showdown and it seems as if the military has finally won the struggle but all is for not - Godzilla reversed the beams or whatever that Mechagodzilla was shooting at him and now Mechagodzilla has over-charged it's batteries and can't function. Godzilla continues to fuck shit up for a little bit and then returns home.

Some research is done on Baby Godzilla AND...they discover it has two brains and figures Godzilla also has two brains. The second brain apparently controls all the functions and shit so I guess the "head brain" is there for nothing. They conclude that if the second brain is taken out Godzilla will be parylized and can be easily killed. They then force Miki to find out where exactly Godzilla's second brain is and they set out to action...using Junior as bait. Nice.

Roda- err, Radon (who has by now transformed) falls for the bait too when the plan is executed and tries to save Junior, all while Junior and the science lady are in this little box. Rad- you know what? I'm just calling him Rodan. Rodan tries to rip up the little box and get Junior out but then Mechagodzilla fights him and presumably kills him. Godzilla enters the scene and Mechagodzilla gets an upgrade in preparation by combining with this previously obsolete ship piloted by pteranodon guy, becoming SUPER Mechagodzilla. Godzilla is then knocked down and his second brain taken out, and once again, victory seems inevitable. Rodan then gives his energy and spirit to Godzilla or something and Godzilla's second brain comes back. Using a new special attack that he acquired because of the energy given to him, Godzilla destroys Mechagodzilla.

Pteranodon guy reunites with science lady and Junior and science lady gets Miki to tell Godzilla to pay some god damn attention to his boy and take him home. She does, and Godzilla complies. So they go back to the ocean after an "emotional" goodbye by science lady (who had been forming a bond with Junior all this time) and all seems well...until next year when Space Godzilla- oh yeah. Already did that one.

Next time, Godzilla is going into nuclear meltdown and he and Junior team up to take on possibly their most evil enemy of all time. How will they fare against him? Will Japan's military be able to save the world? Find out in the last Heisei movie (but not my last review :D).

This honestly wasn't my favorite Heisei movie. I mean, it's better than other Godzilla films (especially late Showa "classics" such as "Son of Godzilla" and "VS Hedorah") but I think it may have tried too hard to be awesome like the two previous films. I still like it but I think it's the weakest of the second series (out of all the ones I've seen anyway).

Score: 3.0/5.0

Monday, February 6, 2012

Kaiju Reviews #20 - Godzilla vs. Mothra [Written by skull902]

Hey there everyone, it's certainly been a while.

I have a new Blogspot page. Go check it out at:

http://seaprod.blogspot.com/

Now that the shameless plugging has been done, I can get back to doing what I do 5th-best. Reviewing Heisei Godzilla movies in Rabid's place!

Today's review is "Godzilla VS Mothra". You may be asking "Well hasn't that one been reviewed already?", and the answer is: No, you idiot! That was "Mothra VS Godzilla", the 1964 Showa movie. This is "Godzilla VS Mothra", full name being "Godzilla and Mothra: The Battle for Earth". It was released in 1992 in Japanese theatres, while being released on VHS here in the US in 1998.

So we begin with Asian Indiana Jones in the Asian Raiders of the Lost Ark, trying to steal an artifact. After defying the same death-defying obstacles pretty much, he succeeds, but is arrested. While in jail, he talks to his ex-wife and some legal guy. He has an offer to leave jail to that he can do some exploring for them. Initially refusing, he finds out he could serve inprisonment for 15-20 years and accepts the deal, whilst whining like a bitch.

The adventure begins as Asian Indiana Jones, Ex-Wife, and Legal Guy travel through the wood-jungle. A bridge breaks, forcing them to jump a...very low fall into the river. Ooh, we're getting dangerous now! While resting for the night, Ex-Wife gives Asian Indiana Jones a letter from their little boy, wishing for his Father to stop stealing...or something similar to that. It's like one of the morals of the movie I think.

The next day, they find a cave with some pretty drawings in it. Then they find a GIANT EGG. Some fairies (who are the Cosmos of the Earth or some shit) tell the three of the epic war between the Earth's guardians Mothra and Battra. Battra got his ass handed to him, and the original Mothra eventually died of lung cancer from smoking too much. The egg belongs to the original Mothra. The three and the two fairies decide to take it back to Japan's mainland to do some research.

Meanwhile, Godzilla woke up from some typhoons or some shit, and I guess he's hungry for some breakfast. Finding the egg and having Battra enter the scene after destroying Nagoya, it's an all-out sea battle between the monsters. Mothra then escapes, going to Infant Island. Godzilla and Battra eventually get sucked into the Earth's crust or something, and sit there to serve their time-outs.

Finding nothing better to do, the Evil Greedy Business Man takes the fairies and makes them live in a doll house. Ex-Wife and Asian Indiana Jones take a flight to Tokyo where they meet up with their- OH MY GOD! Why's their like...6 year old son wearing a dress?! Did they make him do it? This family has some problems. ...Oh. It was their daughter all along. Okay. Asian Indiana Jones then abandons the scene.

There was an earthquake that happened earlier which had a bad effect on the mainland, which was caused by Godzilla and Battra's fighting. The fairies had called upon Mothra, who is on her way while Ex-Wife tries to buy them back from Evil Greedy Man. After being turned down, they're taken back anyway...but by who? DUN DUN DUUUUN! The Japanese Government finds that Mothra is on her way and decides to do the most logical thing they could think of: SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT ALL TO HELL!!! Ex-Wife then goes with her daughter and (gasp) MIKI! We meet again. They go to a hotel after Miki hears the fairies' song where it's revealed Asian Indiana Jones had them. The Cosmos are let free as Mothra enters Japan. Mothra, promising not to be a destructive little asshole, goes and puts herself in a cuccoon to be hatched later. Miki then finds that...Godzilla is back! OH NOEZ!

Mothra and Battra then "grow up" and set out for battle. The Government is scared that all three monsters could meet and wreck the place again, so they set up a defense so Godzilla doesn't get involved. It fails. Battra and Mothra battle at an amusement park or something for a while, and then Godzilla shows up. He kicks the shit out of Battra, killing him.

Mothra and Battra have this really long, really touching moment where she gives him some of her energy so they can team up and save the world while the fairies sing in rejoice about how the two have worked their differences out. Oh, and there's some Godzilla guy too that's somewhat involved but that's not really important. But it is! They fuck Godzilla's shit up then air-lift him to the ocean. Godzilla takes a bite out of Battra on the way though and Battra is dying as they make their way. Battra's life ends just as Godzilla is dropped into the ocean, taking Battra with him. Mothra then pays tribute to Battra and leaves.

The next day, Mothra and the fairies prepare to leave as they warn the public of a devastating meteor which, at it's weight and rate of velocity is set to devastate and destroy Earth in 1999. It was originally Battra's job to go to space and destroy it, but since he's dead and all, Mothra takes his place. After saying goodbye the three head off into space to do their job. Now they need someone else to save the world...OH SHI-

Coming up next, Mecha-Godzilla is created to stop Godzilla and a new little bundle of scaly joy is born. Will Godzilla's reign of terror finally be stopped? Find the fuck out soon, bitches!

Out of all the "Godzilla" movies I've seen or own so far, this one is my absolute favorite. The production of it was rushed after "VS King Ghidorah" became a hit, but that doesn't stop this movie from being fantastic. It's not perfect, but it comes pretty close. I love this movie and would reccommend it to any monster-loving geek out there.

Score: 4.9/5.0

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Kaiju Reviews #19 - Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah [Written by skull902]

The Heisei series can wait for one man, but this man it can not! Hi, it's me again. skull902. ...I really gotta make myself one of these Blogspot thingies, they seem nice. Anyway, I've been given the official job of Heisei Godzilla reviews. AIN'T THAT COOL? This is "Godzilla VS King Ghidorah", what I'm considering a remake of the 1964 classic, "Ghidrah, the Three-Headed Monster". This movie was originally released in Japanese theatres in 1991, then on American DVD/VHS in 1998 (to capitalize on the popularity of something that is so awful I can't even describe it...yet, anyway).

The movie opens with peoplez. From the future. Over-looking the corpse of a certain two- err, three-headed monster who was involved in a lil' scuffle with our old pal Godzilla. They discuss it for a moment until the movie decides to jump to something else.

Some newspaper writer guy gets a phone call from a publisher who wants him to write a story about aliens for the paper. He declines (even though his previous writings have made him a rich man), saying he doesn't write fiction anymore. Wait, seriously? Aliens have been around before! Multiple times! And this guy can't get a fucking clue about- wait, what's that? Different cannon? But that doesn't make- ...oh well.

We jump again to this crazy guy, lecturing the public of a...bus stop I think? About...something and is considered too damn crazy to continue. He's escorted forcefully out of...wherever he made the lecture by security guards. Turns out he and his garrison were saved on Lagos Island in World War II by a dinosaur. Nothing out of the ordinary for a monster film- WAIT. I said "World War II". That was during the 1940s (for the most part)! And Godzilla didn't first appear until 1954! And if "Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla"'s telling of events is correct, then 1954 was the first noted happening of a monster attack! So that means...IT IS OUT OF THE ORDINARY!

After some...stuff, I guess, some "Futurians" (who consist of a guy, a girl, and an android) arrive and are like "We wanna meet the Prime Minister tomorrow." Even though he probably has one of the world's busiest schedules, the Japanese Prime Minister is able to pencil them in for a meeting. Then they have the meeting. With the author guy. The Futurians have a book written by Mr. Author about Godzilla that was published...IN THE FUTURE! Turns out in the future nobody gave a shit about his crappy book. They conclude that getting rid of the dinosaur that would be later affected by nuclear testing would be the solution to getting rid of Godzilla. So the Futurians, the author guy and- OH MY GOD! That psychic chick! Yeah, turns out Miki here is in every movie from "Biollante" until "Destroyah". Anyway, they all go to that fateful day in 1944. They don't bring the crazy guy with them, because two of him in the same place would cause one to be erased from existance...which, in all honesty, doesn't sound like a huge problem.

So they get there and blast by some Americans who are dubbed over even though the actors are speaking English. One of them is Stephen Speilberg, by the way. Or rather, a younger version of him. Anyway, they teleport away Godzillasaurus (...LAME), sending him somewhere else and the one future chick replaces it with three little Dorats unbeknownst to the non-Futurians. Guess who they become? Yeah, the nuclear test on the island still happens.

Anyway, after all that shit's done they get back to 1991 and the future chick bullshits- err, I mean informs the author guy about how in the year 2204 Japan is the largest and richest country in the world. Yay. Then soon enough a monster attack happens and it's King Ghidorah. It was a setup the whole time! Yeah, the future guy wanted King Ghidorah attacking to ruin Japan's ecenomy and therefore affecting it's growth in the future! ...And Godzilla WASN'T doing this in the first place?

So the future chick sneaks in and re-programs the android (who was on future guy's side before) and they team up with the author to stop this travesty. Godzilla apparently was made by some Russians when THEY were testing out their nukes and he kicks Ghidorah's ass, killing him. Hooray the terror's over! Oh no! The terror has begun! Yeah so Godzilla's back. He kills some dudes (including future guy and Mr. Crazy, after Crazy THOUGHT Godzilla was being his friend when they met for a short moment) and the future chick comes up with the idea to go to the future. Why? It's not like they can bring Ghidorah back to li- HOLY SHIT IT'S MECHA-KING GHIDORAH. Shit. Just. Got. REAL!

Godzilla and Mecha-King Ghidorah have an awesome fight and Godzilla is driven back to the sea, presumed dead. The future chick goes back to her time and all seems well. Until it's shown that Godzilla is still alive. Yeah, dawg.

Some say that this movie is one of the best in the whole Godzilla franchise and I certainly agree. It's got a great amount of action and a decent plot, too.

Score: 4.5/5.0

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Kaiju Reviews #18 - Terror of Mechagodzilla

Alright, time for the final movie in the Showa series... and more title trivia! In this case, the movie was named Terror of GODZILLA in the US... even though the villain was obviously Mechagodzilla... what the hell was wrong with the people that were titling these things?! But anyway, about 90% of this movie focuses on the human perspective... this is gonna be other shortie, that's for sure. We start off with guys working on a thing that go to a place looking for a doctor because of the recent arrival of a creature known as Titanosaurus, which he supposedly discovered many years ago... but no one believed his theory (despite the fact that you can hardly walk for 2 mins. without seeing a giant monster in these movies), so he decided to become a mad scientist. But, instead of encountering the mad scientist guy, the two reporter people end up meeting his daughter. She's important, BTW... because her mind controls Mechagodzilla. Yeah, you read that right. The alien ape guys teamed up with mad scientist (who's manually controlling Titanosaurus) and put Mechagodzilla's controls in her brain or something. That be wacked up, yo. So yeah, at some point, mad scientist sends Titanosaurus to destroy Tokyo... Godzilla kicks his ass. He runs away. Then like a million years later (or atleast that's what it felt like to me), Titanosaurus and Mechagodzilla team up to destroy the random abandoned country side... because model buildings are expensive to make. Fortunately, Godzilla comes along to save the day... except he didn't bring a partner along. O DAM. Due to being outmatched, Godzilla ends up not doing too well in the fight. Though in a morbid turn of events, mad scientist's daughter ends up killing herself so that Mechagodzilla could no longer function. So yeah, Godzilla ends up destroying him. He also defeats Titanosaurus shortly after, once the army figures out that Titanosaurus is weak against sonics. As a celebration of his victory, Godzilla then goes back to the ocean, taking a much deserved rest... which is fitting, considering that he'll be retired for atleast 10 more years.

Rating:
3-something maybe
I don't know; like Destroy All Monsters, most of this is human stuff... though this is more dramatic and well-written (though that still doesn't keep it from being kind of boring) and the monster scenes, while being pretty compelling, are few and far between. Not bad for what it is, but... yeahhh, he definitely needed that rest big time... and perhaps I deserve a rest from all of this Godzilla stuff, for now. The Heisei series can just wait; it's not going anywhere!

Kaiju Reviews #17 - Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla

To start off on a randomly interesting tidbit, this movie had somewhat of an identity crisis in the US, as it was also titled as "Godzilla vs. The Bionic Monster" and "Godzilla vs. The Cosmic Monster". What's wrong with "Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla"?! Oh well, we start this off as someone gets a [strangely accurate] fortune from something or other that says something like "If one sees a black mountain in the clouds, a monster will try to destroy the world... and two will rise to save the world" or something like that. I don't know if that's it exactly, but that's what happens... not that it matters since I usually only describe monster scenes most of the time, even when I say I'm not going to. So, on that note, our harbinger of death is none other than... GODZILLA?! ... Uh-huh... because surely you'd fall for that despite the title, right? So, shortly after "Godzilla" starts wreaking havoc, Anguirus comes along and battles him, only to leave with a broken jaw... but not before destroying some of Godzilla's "skin", revealing that he's really made of a material known as... Space Titanium... right... I guess the writers were feeling particularly lazy that day. Eventually, this fake Godzilla makes its way over to a populated city... only to encounter the REAL Godzilla! The fake Godzilla then gets rid of its disguise, revealing itself to be none other than Mechagodzilla, made by a race of aliens... yes, there's MORE aliens.
This time they're Gorilla-Men things! ... So yeah, Mechagodzilla was made so they could conquer the world (OFCOURSE!) or destroy it, if the prophecy is anything to go by. But anyway, Godzilla and Mechagodzilla do battle, which eventually ends in a tie (due to both of them being severely injured). But after much exposition (and quasi-ripoffs of James Bond sequences) the 2nd savior of the Earth is awakened: King Caesar, the lion/dog/god thing! So ya, King Caesar fights Mecha-G, gets his booty handed to him, Godzilla comes along and teams up with him (though Godzilla ends up doing most of the work anyway), and Mechagodzilla is defeated... until the sequel.

Rating:
3.5/5.0
I got very lazy on the plot description, but I thought that this was one of the better Showa movies... especially seeing as this one had [basically] no stock footage.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Kaiju Reviews #16 - Godzilla vs. Megalon

Uh-oh! Be prepared for some crazy-ass shit, because THIS IS GODZILLA VS. MEGALON, BITCH! We start off with two male lovers--erm... I mean scientists, who are developing a robot known only as JET JAGUAR. Oh yeah, you know that this is gonna be balls-to-the-walls. Elsewhere, however, there lives an underground race of Z-Grade Actors known as the Seatopians. They're pissed about the testing of nuclear bombs that's slowly destroying their home. As such, they end up summoning Megalon and naturally sends him to attack Japan... even though nukes aren't even allowed there... yeah... Anyway, Megalon flies throughout the skies of Tokyo (I'm assuming) and uses stock footage of King Ghidorah's lightning bolts to destroy the city... And then he has the nerve to destroy a dam! THE FIEND... Jet Jaguar knows that mindless actions such as this cannot be tolerated, so he overrides his own programming, grows in size, and flies over to Megalon, ready to do battle... Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that Megalon is a really STUPID monster? So yeah, Jet Jaguar actually has the upper hand. The Seatopians then start to panic and politely ask the Cockroach Aliens (who are SUPPOSED to be dead, if I remember correctly...) if they can borrow Gigan (who's SUPPOSED to be out of the Aliens' control, if I remember correctly...) for a minute or two. The Cockroaches agree and Gigan ends up arriving after a little while, teaming up with Megalon. Given that this is a 2-on-1 battle, they naturally make quick work of Jet Jaguar, who ends up flying to Monster Island. He then ends up using the power of charades to communicate with Godzilla, who agrees to team up with our hydraulic hero, IN ORDER TO SAVE THE... well... random abandoned country side. Godzilla & Jets end up making their way over there and encounter Megalon and Gigan once more, beginning their battle of epic proportions... and stock footage. With so much stock footage in the movie, I bet you could even believe that this movie was shot in only 3 weeks... which it was. But ANYHOO, seeing as the rest of the movie is pretty much just the monsters battling, I'm going to mention several highlights, such as:
THE RING OF FIRE THAT GODZILLA SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET OUT OF BUT CAN'T FOR SOME REASON!
& (everyone's favorite)
THE SLIDING KICK! HOO-WAAAAA (There's even an instant replay!)

Somewhere along the line, however, Gigan ends up retreating first (again) and Megalon follows suit shortly after, tunneling back to his underground home. As a way to celebrate their victory, Godzilla ends up inviting Jet Jaguar over to his place for some champagne (not RLY), but he declines, opting to sing The Jet Jaguar Song intead (YA RLY). Goddamn, this is awesome.

Score:
A score wouldn't do this movie justice. It must be seen to be believed... I mean, yeah, it's bad (and I mean BAD) but it's a so-bad-it's-good kind of bad. It's the kind of thing to watch with a friend and make fun of it the whole time... which I guess is why it was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Kaiju Reviews #15 - Godzilla vs. Gigan

Time for yet another alien-centric movie! You're not getting tired of that yet, are you? I hope not, because there's still several more of these. Anyway, OUR STORY BEGINS... with a comic book artist. He's hired to do something for a new theme park that's being constructed, based off of the giant monsters and once it's completed, the owners will go to Monster Island and... destroy the real monsters... okay, shouldn't this at least a TAD bit suspicious?
1. Anything the humans tried have (more often than not) no effect whatsoever other than just pissing them off... and that's the army; scientists, even! So, how would these "amusement park owners" suddenly be able to kill all (let alone any) of them?
2. Why would everyone be okay with this? Sure, they often cost the city thousands of dollars, but they're good guys, who's going to save Japan when an evil monster suddenly comes strolling along?
So yeah, anyway, Mr. Comic Book Artist Guy manages to find some random tape player that was lying around and decides to play the tape for shiz and gigglez. When he does this, however, Godzilla and Anguirus manage to hear the tape from Monster Island... somehow... and it gives them the ability to talk... Um... okay...? Not much can really top Godzilla dancing and flying, so I guess I can go with this... Anyhow, Godzilla (being the lazy bastard he is) decides to send Anguirus to Tokyo to figure out what in the hell is going on. That doesn't seem to work out to well, as the JSDF blasts the hell out of Angy, making him go back with his tail between his legs. Meanwhile, Comic Book Artist Guy recruits some allies, who I shall hereby dub "Love Interest" and "Hippie-Dude". After a lot of snooping, our intrepid trio discovers that the themepark owners are infact ALIENS! What a shock! They are from the Nebula M-17 quadrant (maybe they know our good friend Ultraman?) and are actually Cockroaches... okay, what a shock! They also happen to hold control over our titular monster Gigan, as well as our ever-recurring antagonist, King Ghidorah! This bodes well for Japanese contractors, as the aliens end up having to send their monster menagerie down to Tokyo earlier than planned. As such, Gigan and Ghidorah happily oblige and spread carnage and mayhem throughout the strangely empty city (I guess everyone's so used to giant monster attacks that they evacuate before they even need to). Eventually, after the monsters destroy most of the city anyway, Godzilla and Anguirus arrive to save the day! ... Though they don't do too good of a job at first.

Gigan beats the living hell out of our two heroes (which, if you can't already tell from his weapons, causes the first instances of bloodshed in the series), while Ghidorah kind of just watches and occasionally uses the power of stock footage. After about half an hour of getting his arse kicked, Godzilla ends up losing the strength to fight... at least until he smashes a tower resembling his likeness... which just so happens to be where the aliens are, as well as the devices that are controlling Gigan and King Ghidorah! So now they'll leave everyone alone, right? Erm... no such luck. Turns out that it didn't particularly matter whether they were controlled or not, because they're already evil anyway. Oh well. Though eventually, after MOAR battling, Gigan ends up flying back into space, leaving his friend in the dust... atleast until Godzilla and Anguirus stopped beating the crap out of him, anyway. Ofcourse, Ghidorah immediately takes this chance and follows Gigan back into the cold depths of space (though they must have gotten separated somewhere along the way...). Godzilla and Anguirus then celebrate their victory by heading off into the sunset with a weirdass Japanese song... just to make this movie even more weird, I guess.

Score:
3.0/5.0:
The fact that almost all of Ghidorah's screen-time is made up of stock footage is kind of annoying and the set-up is... a bit long, but otherwise it's pretty good. And despite the prescense of giant cockroach aliens disguised as humans, this movie (along with the previous one) has a darker tone than alot of the previous movies... So, you would think that this is the start of a trend, right? UM... We'll see about that...