The Hall of Geekdom

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Spoose Gorsht Epishudes

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Kaiju Reviews #26 - Godzilla 2000

After the disaster that was the 1998 remake, Toho decided to wipe that movie clean from everyone's minds by starting off fresh with a new series just a year later (nicknamed the "Millennium Series" by fans). For the most part, this series was an anthology, with most movies only following the continuity of the original film... however, this is one of the exceptions, being completely standalone, as the origin for this Godzilla is never explained. Interestingly enough, both this movie and the next one are the only movies to depict Godzilla as being green; despite being advertised as such, he was never green in any of the previous movies; he was more of a black-ish color... ironically, he happens to be black on this poster. Oh well, can't win 'em all.

Anyhow, let's get on with the plot. We follow a group of people associated with the "Godzilla Prediction Network", which basically consists of predicting when and where Godzilla will come out of the ocean, so people can evacuate seriously. Right away, we get some Godzilla action as the Big-G wanders through a small city in order to absorb energy from a small power plant. Meanwhile, in the middle of the ocean, a strange asteroid is discovered... and Godzilla just so happens to be in the middle of the area. The meteorite ends up being a flying saucer, which defeats Godzilla quite easily and quickly makes its way to the top of one of Tokyo's many buildings, deciding that it should rest for a spell. Eventually, the alien inside the saucer reveals that it intends to take over the world and plans to use Godzilla's regenerative cells in order to grow more powerful and survive in Earth's atmosphere. Eventually, Godzilla makes his bad self over to Tokyo, with full intentions on taking down the UFO. Unfortunately, it manages to absorb some of his DNA and the alien emerges as a giant squid-like creature... however Godzilla's DNA appears to be unstable, as this quickly goes wrong, turning him into the grotesque creature Orga (whose name is never uttered on-film). As always, Godzilla and Orga have a climactic fight, Godzilla prevails in the end, and the world is saved... only for the Big-G to blow up the city in the credits. Because nobody fucks with Godzilla.

Score:
3.5/5.0

It may not be the BEST Godzilla movie, but it's still a pretty good watch, especially if you've watched G'98 beforehand. And even though Godzilla disappears for about 40 minutes straight, the last half-hour is pretty much all Godzilla, which more than makes up for it.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Kaiju Reviews #25 - Gamera vs. Zigra

I'm back, baby! Now, after looking at some of my older reviews and [as-of-this-post] being in the process of watching all of the Godzilla movies in order, I decided that I'd tackle these Kaiju flicks after fresh viewings from now on, rather than basing them off of memory. As such, I won't be covering Godzilla 2000 quite yet, but I got one of Shout Factory's Gamera DVDs recently and decided that I'd go ahead and review the last true Showa film in the Gamera series: Gamera vs. Zigra. Now, let's get on to the plot synopsis, shall we...?

We start off with an alien spaceship attacking a Japanese moon base, quickly heading towards Earth... But then we focus a little bit on animal shows in a Japanese Sea World (I have a bad feeling about this already). After that, we focus on two kids who live near the Sea World, named Helen and... Kenny... couldn't they have named him something else? Anyhow, instead of going to school, the kids sneak onto their fathers' boat. They're soon found out by the dads after Helen whines about wanting a Coke (oh yeah, I forgot to mention she's an American... an American who whines about Coke every five minutes). While the kids are being scolded by their dads, they point out a spaceship that crashes into the ocean nearby. Everyone goes over to the ship to investigate, only to be teleported inside; boat and all. Inside the ship is a woman claiming to be from Planet Zigra. The Zigrans [assuming that's what you call them] live deep in the ocean and have contaminated their world with vast amounts of pollution. Given that over 70% of the Earth is covered with oceans, this was the most natural place to go. However, on their planet, they eat any creature that lives on land... which is strange given that they live deep in the ocean, but whatever. The Zigran woman threatens to level Tokyo with a Magnitude 18 earthquake unless the humans give in to their demands, essentially becoming their cattle. Fortunately our plucky heroes manage to escape and inform the military of the Zigrans' plan. Meanwhile, it turns out that this woman is being hypnotized by our titular monster, Zigra; which, if you can gather from the poster, is a giant shark-looking thing (interestingly, he resembles the real-life Goblin Shark, which is very common around the waters of Japan). He orders her to kill the children, or else his plans will be ruined. As such, she ends up pursuing the children at Sea World. Meanwhile AGAIN, the military tries to take down Zigra with some fighter jets, but his spaceship manages to shoot them all down with barely any effort. Fortunately, Gamera arrives to save the day (who before this, only made brief appearances earlier in the movie; which mostly consisted of him flying around and looking down at the kids with those weirdass eyes of his). He then attacks the spaceship underwater and causes it to explode by breathing fire on it... even though he's underwater... yeah... Anyway, this releases Zigra, who ends up growing larger to the differences in Earth's water pressure... alright... However, after a somewhat brief battle, Zigra manages to defeat Gamera, giving him total paralysis. Thankfully, as far as the human side is concerned, the Zigran woman ends up being caught and her hypnosis disabled; however she still has all memory of her experience with Zigra. The fathers (with the kids stowing away, of course) then go into the ocean inside of a bathyscaphe [strangely pronounced as "bathyscope" in the dub] , in an attempt to wake up Gamera. However, they come across Zigra, who immediately attacks them and commands the government to attack them, or else he'll destroy the bathyscaphe. The UN reluctantly agrees, but a bolt of lightning ends up reviving Gamera, who manages to retrieve the bathyscaphe from Zigra and return it to the surface. He then goes back to take down Zigra, who has superior mobility underwater; as such, Gamera ends up taking the fight to the surface, where he quickly has an advantage over his opponent, jamming a rock into his beak, which pins him to the ground. After showing off his awesome musical talents, he roasts Zigra with fire breath (which honestly would've been the first thing I tried; but I guess I shouldn't question the almighty Gamera). Now that he flame-broiled that felonious fish, he flies off after a job well done.

Score:
3.3/5.0

Even though it had a lot of lapses in logic, I ended up enjoying it more than I thought I would. Thankfully, the kids aren't TOO annoying and Zigra [being one of the only kaiju who's able to talk] is fairly intimidating (both in demeanor and design), being given a lot of screen time. However, similar to the Godzilla movies at the time, there are bits of humor in the monster scenes in order to lighten the mood, such as the xylophone moment above. Overall, it's a fun movie and I recommend for those Kaiju fans out there who can enjoy more lighthearted fare.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Kaiju Reviews #24 - Godzilla vs. Biollante [Written by skull902]

Hey there, that one person who reads this blog! This is skull902 again (What? I couldn't get a fucking break before reviewing another movie for this site? Just joking) for the next Heisei review, "Godzilla VS Biollante". This movie was released to Japanese audiences in 1989 and to the United States direct-to-video/television in 1992.

So before I get to the actual movie itself I must go over the recent DVD of this really quick. The language options might be a little confusing at first. You've got Japanese in surround sound, Japanese in stereo, and English in mono. Selecting a spoken language isn't confusing, but the subtitles are a bit. First, you've got an option for English subtitles whenever Japanese text appears during the movie. I recommend this option. Secondly, you've got an English subtitled translation of the Japanese-spoken script for those snobs that just can't accept the icky, yucky English dub or the script of it *cough*Toho Kingdom reviewers*cough*. Then you've got subtitles for the English-scripted version, and lastly, no subtitles at all. Speaking of subtitles, I guess in the original movie they had Japanese subtitles for when something was being spoken or presented in English or another language, and for the first few good minutes of the movie that becomes kind of distracting. I wish that the "English on Japanese text" subtitles got rid of the Japanese ones but they become less apparent as the movie goes on. Also, the English dub of the movie is pretty low quality with the audio as far as the voice-overs are concerned. It sounds like they recorded the dub with cheap computer microphones sometimes and makes a few lines nearly inaudible. Lastly, there are a couple special features on the DVD about the making of the movie, but they're spoken in Japanese with English subtitles. If you can read through the features it's fine, but that's not really my cup of tea. However, this isn't a product review, so let's get on to the actual movie.

We begin in the distant future of 1990 (I've always wondered why the Heisei films are set a year after they're released) when Godzilla decides to take a peaceful stroll through Japan. A peaceful stroll that involves killing people and wrecking buildings, like usual. After the rampage, scientists find Godzilla cells who are working with an American company. They evade the Japanese military but are taken out by someone who I'm calling Shooty Guy. Shooty Guy takes the Godzilla cells and we cut to Dr. Genshiro Shiragami (who I swear in some shots looks very slightly like professional wrestler Bret Hart) and his daughter Erika, looking forward to returning to Japan after a project in the Middle East is done. While at their laboratory, a terrorist bombing happens and Erika is killed.

Five years later, Dr. Shiragami is now doing psychic research on plants, specifically roses. And it is here where we see the debut of the longest-running character in kaiju film history, Miki Saegusa. Give her a round of applause everybody! Anyway, Miki is helping Dr. Shiragami with his project when Other Woman enters the scene and...evaluates it I guess. The American group and Shooty Guy are keeping a watchful eye on Shiragami, believing him to be involved with the research of Godzilla DNA. Shiragami's employers eventually convince him to work on Godzilla cells for a project to create a bacteria which eats nuclear particles, which they plan to use on the monster. Shiragami at the same time is using the Godzilla cells to create his own project. One night, the American group and Shooty Guy find each other in Shiragami's lab and have a nice little battle...until plant-like tentacles interfere (no, I'm not making that joke). The tentacles kill two men (both of which are from the American team) and one, along with Shooty Guy escapes. It's revealed the next day to be a giant flower in the lake which is named Biollante. Turns out Shiragami somehow mixed together cells of his daughter, Godzilla, and roses to create this thingamabobble. Sounds weird, but that's only because it is (sorry James).

The Diet of Japan gets a letter from the American group saying they'll blow a volcano where which Godzilla is residing to wake him up if the bacteria isn't given to them. The Diet decides to comply with the threat, for the safety of the people. The trade starts off well but Shooty Guy interferes (stealing the bacteria in the process) and due to a roll-over accident with the American's truck, the bomb detonates, waking Godzilla up. Biollante starts to open up and calls Godzilla out, so Godzilla takes time out of his busy schedule to pay Biollante a visit. Meanwhile, since the Japanese military knows where he's going, decide to use the Super X II on him with minimal results. Godzilla makes it to Biollante and the fight is short. Biollante is presumed killed and Godzilla carries on. The military assumes that since he's low on nuclear energy (I didn't know Godzilla was a machine that needed re-fueling) that he'll go to a nuclear reactor which is in Tsuruga on the other side of the country. They decide to meet him mid-way but they're mistaken. Godzilla goes to Osaka instead and Miki tries to distract him while he's there. After a staredown, Godzilla's will power is too much for Miki, causing her to faint and be hospitalized.

The military decides to go and use the bacteria to infect Godzilla and send the Super X II to battle. Unfortunately, the SX2 is destroyed in the fight and Godzilla goes to Osaka's business district after the city is evacuated. There, he is infected with the bacteria with three doses of it, one going directly in his mouth. Ouch. It doesn't seem to be working after a few hours, and Shiragami suggests that it's possibly because Godzilla's body temperature is too low. The military and scientists agree to try and raise his temperature so the bacteria can work better. Godzilla screws up the plan after it's used on him, so they theorize that maybe Godzilla is immune to the bacteria. Biollante then reappears from the sky and does battle with Godzilla. After grabbing him with her tentacles and trying to swallow him whole (STILL not doing the joke you fucking perverts), she gets a face-full of atomic breath, but the bacteria starts to work on Godzilla, sending him in to the ocean. Biollante has had too much damage done to her though and can't survive, breaking up and going back into the sky. The military and scientist group is of course watching this, and Dr. Shiragami is killed by Shooty Guy for some reason. One of his associates takes the fight to Shooty Guy and wins after the assassin is...deleted from existence I guess by a military guy seen in the group. Meeting back up with Other Woman, the two see that Godzilla re-emerges from the sea, figuring that the freezing water helped against the bacteria. Godzilla goes back home and we zoom out to a shot of Biollante in the form of a rose, now orbiting Earth.

This movie is...okay. It takes a while for any monster action to happen, and when it does it's kind of brief. Military confrontations with Godzilla tend to go on longer than his actual battles and that's not a good thing. I can see Toho tried with the story but at times it gets to be a little bit of a bore. It's not a bad story either, but it definitely could've used more. I think the conflicting organizations plot could've been amped up a bit more and as I said before, the monster battles were definitely too short. You can tell that they did put effort in to this and I like the movie for that, but it could've been better than what it was.

Score: 3.2/5.0

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Kaiju Reviews #23 - Godzilla (1998) [Written by skull902]

Alright...let's start this...

Aww, sick! Gross!

Aww, nasty! Yuck!

Ah, sick!

Gross!

Yeck!

...You get a pass.

Welp, that's my review. Seeya.

...Okay, that's not really all it. This, my friends, is "Godzilla". Released to American theatres on May 20, 1998. It was released in Japan sometime in July 1998 if I'm not mistaken.

The movie starts with nuclear test footage on the Pacific, as well as footage of at least four different types of lizard (confusing us as to which one turned out to be Zilla), one of which that isn't native to the Pacific. Great job movie, we've only entered the credits sequence and you've already done something wrong.

Anyway, there's some people on this ship or whatever in or around Japan. One of them is eating noodles and watching everyone's favorite, poor-reception sumo wrestling. The ship gets attacked, but by who? DUN DUN DUUUUUN...well, if it isn't obvious, Zilla attacked it. Blah.

Next thing we see is Dr. Niko Tortillapoulos, played by Matthew Broderick. Niko here is collecting some 17% bigger than usual worms for his little experiment. Then he gets pulled away by the US Army (who apparently have taken up a Soviet motif) or something where he is to get started researching the "Big Bad Dinosaur" that has showed up recently. The scene in the Pacific by the way, where Niko gets his orders is one of the VERY FEW scenes without rain in it. If you thought you couldn't get sick of a weather condition by only watching a movie alone, you'd be in for a surprise.

Now we see Audrey. Audrey is trying to be a reporter, but her boss is a dick and her co-worker friends are stupid. So yeah. Audrey's role on the TV news crew is I think a secretary. I don't think it's ever made clear. Anyway, she has lunch with her ol' buddies and they tell her to get mean. Oh and she does later on, lemme tell ya.

So some old guy dies I guess trying to fish out Zilla. Zilla then raids New York City, interrupting a speech by Mayor Caricature. One of Audrey's retard friends (the guy one) grabs a camera and films Zilla, nearly getting crushed doing do. The footage makes it to the news and most now know of Zilla and his wrath and crap. Nobody can find him somehow and it's explained that he's hiding. Y'know, in New York City. Because nobody would notice a giant monster like that. And if it seems like I'm rushing through this shit, I am.

So Turtletapoulos and his buddies lure Zilla in with a lot of fish so they can attack and kill it. The most incompetent military in the world though can't get the plan to work and he just destroys all their vehicles, with casulaties going out to Military Guys #1-6, three helicopters, and the Chrysler Building. Audrey and Niko (who were together in college) meet up again and talk about how their lives have been. Niko finds through Zilla blood, using a HUMAN pregnancy test, that the moster is pregnant and Audrey steals a top-secret tape of how the Zilla attacks got started and gives it to her news station, hoping it'll be her big break. But all is for not, her boss takes credit for the story and Lippy-Tappy-Too-Taatapoulos gets discharged for the incident. Niko is naturally mad at Bitchface- I mean Audrey and is then kidnapped by French Guy (who has been lurking around throughout the film) and hired by the French Secret Service to do a mission, looking for Zilla's eggs. Somewhere in between all that, Zilla gets killed in the Hudson River by torpedos. Like I said, rushing through.

The mission begins while Audrey and Male Retard go on a different route, leading to Madison Square Garden which is in ruins. They find Zilla eggs there, but instead of the expected twelve, they get about...two hundered. Quite a difference. Since these creatures are apparently born pregnant, letting them loose is out of the question. Four of the Franco Secret Service guys who went along get killed because they don't know how to use their guns, and Audrey and Guy Man Thing meet up with French Guy and Tkdn39h9uhthfb8vb8bt76ggv6r3h7b79rn80bnatapoulos. They find a way to broadcast a message to the news station and the military hears it, planning to blow Madison Square Garden up in about six minutes. Less than six minutes later, our heroes barely escape the Garden as it's blown to smitherines, killing all the babies.

But Zilla comes back to life I guess, and fueled by anger, goes on a rampage against our heroes in a taxi. They get nearly eaten during it, but make it out, only for Zilla to finally get killed on the Brooklyn Bridge. Everyone celebrates, Mayor Caricature gets told to fuck off after being a candy eating douche throughout the film, and all is well. Except it's not! One more egg hatches in the Garden so that there can be a non-existant sequel.

What can I say that already hasn't been said? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. But I'll say something anyway. The characters, the story, the presentation, the monster, the disrespect to Siskel and Ebert, EVERYTHING sucks about this movie. Like Kenpachiro Satsuma (the man who WAS Godzilla in the Heisei films) said, "It's not Godzilla, it does not have the spirit." I couldn't have said it better myself. Though I will give this piece of absolute garbage one thing, AT LEAST it got Toho working their asses off to make a new Godzilla film, which was MUCH better than this, and it came out in 1999. Yep. It only took Toho a year, much unlike the five it took for Sony to shove this mess of a movie out. But it is not my place to review that movie. After this I shall be giving my position of Godzilla movie reviewer on this site back to the owner, besides my reviews for the two Heisei films I missed, whenever I can get to them. Until then, I'm skull902, saying goodbye.

Score: 0.2/5.0

Oh, and PS:

Rabid, you're welcome.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Kaiju Reviews #22 - Godzilla vs. Destoroyah [Written by skull902]

Back-back-back again, it is I, skull902.

Today's review is "Godzilla VS Destoroyah", the last Godzilla Heisei movie. Released originally to Japanese theatres in 1995, and to DVD in 2000 in the US.

So we start off with the knowledge that Infant Island has been destroyed. Then it cuts to Toky- Okinaw- Hiroshim- Nagoy- Hong Kong? Really? I bet the Chinese people's minds are blown. But yeah, Godzilla destroys Hong Kong but something is different. He's glowing red in some places and his atomic breath is orange. Some college kid did a thesis on Godzilla nobody believes in...besides the scientific community and the Japanese military (y'know, the people you'd least like to trust in a situation like this) and is hired to the G-Force (no, not the stupid guinea pig organization from that crappy film, but rather the branch of the military that's been fighting Godzilla throughout the second series) to do research. He meets up with our ol' psychic pal Miki (who is, unfortunately, losing her powers) who has been looking for Godzilla Jr. but can't find him. College Kid suggests he's dead, leading to awkwardness. Anyway, he does his research and finds that Godzilla is a nuclear (which he pronounces as "nucular" like a fucking retard) reactor and is close to blowing up. If he does (by reaching 1200 degrees Celcius), the Earth is destroyed. Holy shit.

Instead of firing at him, which would make his and the Earth's demise all that much quicker, they decide to freeze him to get the minimum result of his nuclear reaction. How, you ask? The SUPER. X. III!!! ...Yeah, I don't think I covered the Super X line of ships in this series. Basically, the Super X planes are pretty much the only thing the military has made (excluding Mechagodzilla from the 1993 and 2002 films, of course) that could stand a chance against Godzilla. They've all failed up to this point but have come pretty damn close to defeating him. Anyway, the SX3 fires freezey lasers at Godzilla and fire some "stay cold" pills in his mouth for good measure. You'd think this would be enough, right?

...Not even fucking close. Godzilla's temperature was put down but it's still rising, at an alarming rate. Meanwhile another attempt to stop all of this is being made by the scientists, who are re-creating the oxygen destroyer. The military doesn't like it, noting that there's a huge risk to Japan by activating such a device. Late at night, an aquarium worker sees his fish being reduced to bones as a result of an organism that was mutated by this new oxygen destroyer. They soon evolve and eventually are fighting against the police and the military (sporting vehicles which have really cool sounding sirens). Their weapons aren't enough though as the Destoroyah (as they're called) get stronger.

Godzilla Jr. (who is now almost fully grown, looking very similar to a healthy version of his father) then causes a bit of panic at a beach and makes his way to the destroyed island. Godzilla, who is looking for him (presumably to recommend him to go to a community college instead of a university as it's more affordable), follows along but there's a problem. Due to his freezing, Godzilla instead will melt down when he dies, causing his remains to melt through the Earth's layers, all the way to the core, once again putting the planet at risk. As a last-attempt measurement, Miki and another psychic girl are hired to direct Godzilla Jr. to Tokyo so that Godzilla and Destoroyah (who is currently in the area) can have a battle. Destoroyah, being made from the oxygen destroyer, would defeat and then destroy Godzilla, preventing a meltdown. Miki doesn't like the idea, but knows it's for the good of the planet and does so.

The plan is a success and Godzilla Jr. does a pretty good job fighting Destoroyah, knocking him into an electrical plant. The father and son reunite to discuss college plans, but Destoroyah (who has now evolved into it's final form) attacks. He grabs Junior and drops him from a high distance, seemingly killing him. Godzilla is pissed and does battle with the creature. The two cause each other extreme physical injuries and Godzilla causes Destoroyah to retreat. Godzilla gives his son some energy but all seems lost. Destoroyah then attacks again but Godzilla doesn't give up, blowing chunks off of him as he flies away. The SX3 is sent in to freeze Godzilla exactly when he reaches 1200 degrees, but destroys Destoroyah with a thermal shock from using the same weapons on him. Wow...the military actually won...in a Godzilla movie. Or hell, a kaiju movie in general. ...Surely this is the greatest day in Japanese history. They freeze Godzilla, preventing the end of the world. However, the radiation caused by Godzilla's meltdown renders Tokyo uninhabitable. The radiation and the energy given to him earlier makes Junior a fully-grown Godzilla, who roars as the movie closes to continue the legacy of his father.

Next time, ...shit gets real. Bad, that is.

This was a good film. No, not just good, great. This movie seems to have the biggest risk of any Godzilla film I've seen and it was a wonderful send-off to the King of the Monsters. However, some shots of the Super X III are re-used, forcing me to give the film a score of 0.5/5.0 ...Just kidding. Good storytelling, wonderful action, if you're a fan of Godzilla, this is a must-see.

Score: 4.5/5.0